I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
