i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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