go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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