i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
