Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
