Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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