This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
