so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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