Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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