I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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