I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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