We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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