She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
