Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
