Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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