Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
