He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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