got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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