Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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