I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
