Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
