just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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