sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
