hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
dude i'm inner monologue high
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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