She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
