how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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