so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
