I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
