i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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