My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
