We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
