Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
