Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
