Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
