I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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