i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
