i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
