I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
