I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
