You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
