I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
