I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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