By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
