there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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