Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
pray to the hookup gods
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
