he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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