so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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