This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
