i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You are the jesus of drinking
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
