WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
